Tag Archives: Sexuality

‘It’s my right to know my wife’s sexual history.’

This is what I heard on the way in to work this morning. Usually I try to listen to stations without morning shows, but it’s difficult to find such an animal in a metro area considering my demographic and musical preferences. Had the dj not used the word ‘right,’ I would have changed the station. Once he asserted a right, however, I was hooked. Call it recreational outrage.

A listener had called in and was complaining to the dj about his relationship as for some reason, listeners are wont to do (and WHY? What is it that causes some people to vent the most intimate moments of their lives to a listening audience of indeterminate size?! ). He explained that his sex life with his wife had grown somewhat stale and he wanted to spice things up by watching porn together. She told him she had done it before with a previous boyfriend and she didn’t enjoy it. He then badgered her for the name of the boyfriend she had watched porn with, saying it was his ‘right’ to know. The dj egged him on, agreeing with him. At that point, I popped in a CD. Green Day I’ve heard a thousand times was far preferable.

I’ve been mulling this over since I heard the discussion, trying to find which part bothers me the most and why. I think it breaks down this way:

  1. No one has a right to their spouse’s past and it pisses me right off when anyone asserts otherwise. You may want to know and have personal limits which necessitate knowing your SO’s/spouse’s history more fully before being able to trust that person completely. That’s understandable and even laudable. After all, when you’re in a romantic relationship you want to make sure this person is the right one for you. But you do not have a right to know their past. Nor do they have a right to know  yours. If that man’s wife’s past was so significant to him, why didn’t he ask her about it more fully before marrying her? Especially if it was a trust issue. If you simply cannot fathom marrying a person without getting to know every intimate detail of their prior sex lives, that should have been cleared up long before he slipped the ring on her finger.
  2. How is knowing  the name of the person she watched porn with in any way important? Why does it matter? His stammered answer of ‘I just wanna know…’ was barely an excuse, much less an explanation. Yes, I get that you want to know. What I want to know is why it matters? From what I can tell, when one asserts a ‘right’ followed by a demand, it’s an implication of ownership. You don’t own your partner or their past. This smacks heavily of insecurity. The problem does not lie with the person with the past, but the person who can’t let go of said past.
  3. ‘You did it with him, why won’t you do it with me?!’  This was something else the caller kept asking. This had me yelling at the radio. Think about it. Is there nothing in your past that you wouldn’t do or haven’t done with your current partner? Either because you don’t enjoy it or for one reason or another, don’t feel comfortable trying it with that person? Comfort levels and what turns you on vary from partner to partner. That’s just the way it is. Sex is subjective. Get over it.
  4. You want to ‘spice up’ your physical relationship. Your wife tells you she doesn’t like what you want to try. Is that the only option you can come up with? It has to be porn or it won’t work? The end? And then you complain that it’s all her fault. Let me ask you. Has your wife ever insisted that you try something sexual that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t like? That would be pretty selfish of her, wouldn’t it? So then why is it okay for you to do it to her? We’re back to the ownership thing. Your wife’s body is not your personal property, it’s hers. Here’s an idea: FIND SOMETHING YOU BOTH ENJOY. Other than porn. It doesn’t have to end the experimentation just because she said no to one thing. Hell, there are tons of books out there on the subject. You can read, can’t you? Your relationship is worth it, no? Here. Hot Monogamy is probably one of the better of those, as it helps BOTH partners work toward keeping their sex life fun and enjoyable.
  5. I don’t know what planet this guy came from, but here on Earth, badgering a woman to death to do something sexual is a sure fire way to make sure she a) never wants to try it and b) resents the hell out of you forever if she does. Badgering gets you nowhere fast. Try using language that won’t put her on the immediate defensive. Ask her what she would like to try. Women like seduction. Watching other people screw does not fall under that category, sorry.

Sex isn’t just physical, it’s emotional and psychological. If you can’t be bothered to put in a little work, why should she get bothered about you? Putting it all on one partner (male or female) and expecting that person to fix it is a recipe for disaster. Just like the rest of a marriage, the physical side requires work. It doesn’t just happen. And FFS, stop calling radio dj’s for advice. How much sex do you think you’re going to get when the person you want to have sex with finds out you’re sharing your private lives with the entire Dallas Metro area?

Satisfy your lover! And other ridiculous internet myths Pt. II

I had done a bit of a screed about masturbation which I ended up removing because really….anyone who reads my blog pretty much already knows masturbation is a good and healthy thing, and those who are really in need of a good orgasm certainly aren’t people who’d be reading the blog of a heretical evil woman preaching sedition and sexual gratification for all. So let’s move right along, you vibrant, delicious masters of your own bodies, you.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard some of the weirdness that passes for peer-produced sexual education among teens. The only thing scarier than some of those myths is the number of young people who believe them.  Let’s dispel a few of those, shall we? And yes, believe it or not, I hear these questions from teens a LOT. So please. If you’re a parent; educate your kids. You don’t want them relying on what they hear from their friends. If you read on, you’ll understand why.

  • Douching with Coca Cola/Pepsi/Mt. Dew after sex will stop you from getting pregnant.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Not only will it NOT stop you from getting pregnant, it may cause you to get a raging infection. Then you’ll be itchy AND still pregnant. Please do not do this. There are already plenty of ways for a woman’s  pH to be tossed off balance without any help from the Coca Cola corporation, thank you very much.

  • If a man masturbates prior to having sex, he can’t get a woman pregnant.

Wanna know what we call guys who use this method of birth control? Right. Fathers. I imagine their girlfriends call them other things as well after getting pregnant, but you get the idea. This is so far from scientifically sound, it may as well have been come up with by the Pope. Unless you have had a vasectomy, you are producing sperm. Each and every time. Masturbation prior to sex can lower your sperm count (by about 20%), but it doesn’t make you sterile. And considering that sperm samples obtained after intercourse show up to 120% more sperm than masturbation…odds are good you’re about 9 months from becoming the adult you want everyone to treat you as. Do yourself a favor; invest in some condoms.

  • You can’t get a disease from oral.

 I can’t believe those words just sprang from your keyboard. Really? REALLY?!? Of course you can get a disease from oral. Know what bacteria like? Warm damp places where they can multiply. Any place you happen to have mucous membranes will do, and….HELLLOOO!!!!….your mouth is on that list, along with eyes, vagina and anus.

  • If the girl’s on top, the sperm won’t reach the egg.

Yeahhhh…..not so much. On top, bottom, hands and knees, standing…doesn’t matter. Sperm are designed for one thing; fertilizing an ovum. They’re swimming with a lot more force than the gravity against them.  

Teens pass each other a lot of information. Quite a bit of it (at least when it comes to sex) is bad. Want a fool proof way to not get pregnant? I’m not going to tell you abstinence, because…clearly… you’re not listening. Barring abstinence, there is no 100% safe way. But you can get close, and be reasonably cautious.

Find a local family planning clinic. Don’t be embarrassed; trust me, they’ve heard it all. Including some things you’ve probably never even THOUGHT of, but that’s a post for another day. Discuss your options for safe effective birth control. Above all, be honest and ask questions. You won’t be laughed at or talked down to; the educators WANT you to be healthy and responsible and aware of your body and how it works.

Satisfy your lover! And other ridiculous internet myths

This is a big enough topic to be its own series. So while the atheism stuff will still be here, I’m going to concentrate on this for a bit, because it’s starting to annoy me. Fair warning: I am going to talk about sex in a fairly explicit, matter of fact manner. If that bothers you, you may want to stop reading now.

Okay. First and foremost: I am an educator for a rather well known community clinic that specializes in family and reproductive health. The following is excerpted from rather frank discussions with groups of women aged 16-45, as well as my own personal observations.

So there I was, stumbling around, looking through the adult pages, when I came across a site promising to improve the reader’s cunnilingus skills. “Interesting….” I thought, “let’s read on.” The article went on to advise foreplay. “So far so good…us women like foreplay….” But then it made a fatal mistake. It started talking about specifics. How to massage the clitoris, how to tease the labia, how to slowly introduce your mouth in the mix (not that that’s a bad thing, any of it!). So what’s the problem? you ask. Specifics are good. They tell us what we should be doing. Well, yes. They do. Unfortunately, they tell you what you should be doing for some women.

Here’s my objection to websites like this. Specifics are good. Unfortunately, they change from woman to woman. You want to know how to best please your lover orally? Seriously? Ask her (or him). No, not “what do you want,” because I know what you’re going to get back is a blush and silence. Some evening when you’re both relatively open to it, try a few different things. And each step of the way, ask “do you like it better when I do it like this…. or like this?” That’ll give you a way to adjust accordingly in the future. And keep doing that. Adjust your speed. Use one finger then two. Don’t just ask which she likes better, watch her reactions. Be patient. Be willing to learn. Be willing to recognize that, while you’re confident you can satisfy your lover, there may be ways you can satisfy her/him even more.

There is no magic technique. Each unique woman and man has their own tempo, their own combination. If it’s important enough to you to satisfy your lover, then it’s important enough to bear that in mind. People are not cookie cut outs. They’re individuals with individual likes, dislikes and turn ons. The best road to sexual nirvana is paved with trust and communication. Yes, there are some times where you “just know.” But don’t be discouraged if a little direction is needed. And remember the journey is at least half the fun.

To be continued.