Tag Archives: rights vs. wants

‘It’s my right to know my wife’s sexual history.’

This is what I heard on the way in to work this morning. Usually I try to listen to stations without morning shows, but it’s difficult to find such an animal in a metro area considering my demographic and musical preferences. Had the dj not used the word ‘right,’ I would have changed the station. Once he asserted a right, however, I was hooked. Call it recreational outrage.

A listener had called in and was complaining to the dj about his relationship as for some reason, listeners are wont to do (and WHY? What is it that causes some people to vent the most intimate moments of their lives to a listening audience of indeterminate size?! ). He explained that his sex life with his wife had grown somewhat stale and he wanted to spice things up by watching porn together. She told him she had done it before with a previous boyfriend and she didn’t enjoy it. He then badgered her for the name of the boyfriend she had watched porn with, saying it was his ‘right’ to know. The dj egged him on, agreeing with him. At that point, I popped in a CD. Green Day I’ve heard a thousand times was far preferable.

I’ve been mulling this over since I heard the discussion, trying to find which part bothers me the most and why. I think it breaks down this way:

  1. No one has a right to their spouse’s past and it pisses me right off when anyone asserts otherwise. You may want to know and have personal limits which necessitate knowing your SO’s/spouse’s history more fully before being able to trust that person completely. That’s understandable and even laudable. After all, when you’re in a romantic relationship you want to make sure this person is the right one for you. But you do not have a right to know their past. Nor do they have a right to know  yours. If that man’s wife’s past was so significant to him, why didn’t he ask her about it more fully before marrying her? Especially if it was a trust issue. If you simply cannot fathom marrying a person without getting to know every intimate detail of their prior sex lives, that should have been cleared up long before he slipped the ring on her finger.
  2. How is knowing  the name of the person she watched porn with in any way important? Why does it matter? His stammered answer of ‘I just wanna know…’ was barely an excuse, much less an explanation. Yes, I get that you want to know. What I want to know is why it matters? From what I can tell, when one asserts a ‘right’ followed by a demand, it’s an implication of ownership. You don’t own your partner or their past. This smacks heavily of insecurity. The problem does not lie with the person with the past, but the person who can’t let go of said past.
  3. ‘You did it with him, why won’t you do it with me?!’  This was something else the caller kept asking. This had me yelling at the radio. Think about it. Is there nothing in your past that you wouldn’t do or haven’t done with your current partner? Either because you don’t enjoy it or for one reason or another, don’t feel comfortable trying it with that person? Comfort levels and what turns you on vary from partner to partner. That’s just the way it is. Sex is subjective. Get over it.
  4. You want to ‘spice up’ your physical relationship. Your wife tells you she doesn’t like what you want to try. Is that the only option you can come up with? It has to be porn or it won’t work? The end? And then you complain that it’s all her fault. Let me ask you. Has your wife ever insisted that you try something sexual that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t like? That would be pretty selfish of her, wouldn’t it? So then why is it okay for you to do it to her? We’re back to the ownership thing. Your wife’s body is not your personal property, it’s hers. Here’s an idea: FIND SOMETHING YOU BOTH ENJOY. Other than porn. It doesn’t have to end the experimentation just because she said no to one thing. Hell, there are tons of books out there on the subject. You can read, can’t you? Your relationship is worth it, no? Here. Hot Monogamy is probably one of the better of those, as it helps BOTH partners work toward keeping their sex life fun and enjoyable.
  5. I don’t know what planet this guy came from, but here on Earth, badgering a woman to death to do something sexual is a sure fire way to make sure she a) never wants to try it and b) resents the hell out of you forever if she does. Badgering gets you nowhere fast. Try using language that won’t put her on the immediate defensive. Ask her what she would like to try. Women like seduction. Watching other people screw does not fall under that category, sorry.

Sex isn’t just physical, it’s emotional and psychological. If you can’t be bothered to put in a little work, why should she get bothered about you? Putting it all on one partner (male or female) and expecting that person to fix it is a recipe for disaster. Just like the rest of a marriage, the physical side requires work. It doesn’t just happen. And FFS, stop calling radio dj’s for advice. How much sex do you think you’re going to get when the person you want to have sex with finds out you’re sharing your private lives with the entire Dallas Metro area?