Category Archives: Television

Sarah Palin & Fox News: Who didn’t see this coming?

In a move that should shock absolutely no one, Fox News has signed Sarah Palin as an ‘occasional commentator.’ Palin joins former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and former White House aide Karl Rove, giving Fox the trifecta for malicious fearmongering and blatant misinformation.

Any previous laughable attempt to call the network ‘fair and balanced’ pretty much meets its death with this deal. Asking Sarah Palin to provide creditable political commentary is like asking Slobodan Milosevic for an objective opinion on Albanian citizenship.

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Michael Jackson Was Not a Hero.

Friends, netizens, countrymen….lend me your ears.

I come to bury Michael Jackson, not to praise him. Only the good the man has done lives after him; the evil is being interred with his bones. O judgement! thou art fled to brutish beasts,  and men have lost their reason.

After several days of listening to wailing and moaning about our loss, I have begun to wonder why we refuse to acknowledge that our entertainers are human beings and as such….not the most wonderful beings on the planet. We are so enamored of our celebrities that we project the kind of personalities and attributes on them that we wish them to have instead of seeing them for who they were. At what point does art become so important that we are willing to sell our morality and look the other way? Nowhere is this more true than in the case of Michael Jackson.

There are those who espouse the position that his childhood is to blame for the darkness in his life. Doubtless the allegations against his father, Joe Jackson, do not paint the most flattering of pictures. It has been asserted that the man stood over the rehearsals of his sons with his belt wrapped around one fist. That he beat Michael more than any of the others combined. That he treated his children less as a father and more as an investor. But at what point does that cease to be an influence over one’s life? Is it not true that Michael has been estranged from his father  most of his adult life? Would it not be reasonable to expect that he would seek help to make sure he was not such a father to his own children?

There are those who insist that we should remember the good he has done in the world and forget the bad. Why? Why should we not learn from the serious mistakes the man made? Because he made us dance with him? Because we liked the tune? Is charm truly so much more important than the harm inflicted? Even if that charming person was rich and famous?

Still others insist that they don’t look into the personal lives of the artists they admire, and it is these people that infuriate me the most. No deed is too heinous, no life so shattered, no injury so grievous that they can be bothered to look at it, should it concern someone who gives them four minutes of happiness on the radio or a couple hours on the movie screen. “Oh, yes, that Mel Gibson is a racist drunken lunatic with no regard for anyone’s safety, but did you see POTC?!” Michael Jackson was accused of molesting several young boys. Only two cases got close to court. He fed a young girl sedatives and antihistamines to keep her asleep while he molested her brothers. He had cameras and alarms in the hallway outside his bedroom. Child after child came forward in the first court case to testify. He out and out ADMITTED in an interview to inviting young boys into his bed:

Pop superstar Michael Jackson admitted last night in a television documentary that he loves to have young boys sleep in his bed.

What’s more, everyone should do it, says the 44-year-old Jackson, who was accused of sexually molesting a 13-year-old boy a decade ago, and who admits recently encouraging a 12-year-old cancer sufferer to sleep in his bedroom.

“It’s what the whole world should do,” Jackson told interviewer Martin Bashir on the Granada television program, “Living With Michael Jackson,” according to a London Times account. Granada is one of the largest independent television companies in the United Kingdom…

According to Jackson, not only do children like to be touched, but the superstar told Bashir he would kill himself if he could not be close to young boys.

Yet there are those who still refuse to acknowledge even the possibility that Jackson molested those boys. Enough. Enough of the adulation and the canonization of this man. He ruined young lives. Enough of the waving away of criticisms with cries of ‘racism.’ It is an injustice to those who fight racism on a daily basis to even liken it to racism. Imagine those young boys, now young men. Finally, their nightmare is over…except for those who insist that the man that molested them is a god, not a monster. It is time we stopped treating our celebrities like deities and started treating them like people.

It’s Official. Rod Blagojevich Is Delusional.

Are you watching? Are you? It’s like watching a trainwreck. I can’t look away. He waits til the very last second of his impeachment trial and then actually expects to give a speech about getting a cup of coffee for the prior governor and what a great guy he is and how they HAVE to let him bring in witnesses…and expects it to WORK?

The man thinks he’s in a movie.  Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, from the sound of it. “I’m here to appeal to your sense of responsibility.” Um, Governor? Their sense of responsibility is WHY you are being impeached. “How can you ask a Governor to resign just for trying to help senior citizens?” Do you really believe that’s why you’re here? “I did that in my FIRST term! If it was impeachable, how come you didn’t impeach me then?” Yes, but you see, governor, it isn’t like a mulligan in a golf game. This isn’t a do-over, and your prior mess ups don’t get erased.

I’m transfixed. Truly, the amount of bullshit being slung is impressive. He isn’t even really addressing the charges of abuses of power. In fact, he’s refusing to move on from the  second article of impeachment, the charge regarding obtaining prescription drugs from Canada. He’s dropped every big political name in the Democratic party from Ted Kennedy to Bill Richardson to Rahm Emannuel. Not that it’s working. Many of the state legislators (when the camera cuts to them) actually look embarrassed on his behalf. I have to keep closing my mouth; it drops open on its own.

If he’s going to go article by article, it’s going to be a very long day. I’m not going to do the Blago impeachment drinking game. Alcohol poisoning kills.

Sarah Palin is the New Paris Hilton.

I wish I was joking. The very last thing our country needs right now is another famous for being famous cult of personality that’s as vapid and clueless as Sarah Hilt..er, Palin, but the fact of the matter is the woman simply. Will not. Go. Away.

When I woke up on Wednesday, November 5th, I rather foolishly comforted myself with the naive thought that it was all over and Caribou Barbie would sink back into the obscurity from whence she came. Okay, there’s no need to look at me like that, I see I was being stupid. Clearly, national attention is like heroin to the woman; why else would she have started her own PAC less than a week after Obama took office? Or announce that she’ll be having dinner with the President? Or, FSM save us all, write a book? The last one is so deliciously ironic the jokes just write themselves. “I thought she only read magazines and newspapers.” “A book? Will it have a soft cover and cardboard pages?” My biggest concern is that no matter who they get to ghost it, it’s going to be so obviously doctored, there’s simply no WAY anyone will fall for the fiction that it’s in her own words. How can it be? I mean, you could probably get a FEW pages out of soundbites, but eventually you have to develop plot and characters, no? And the syllables! The poor tortured syllables! It ain’t right to do that to unsuspecting words.

I was SO angry when John McCain compared Obama to Paris Hilton. I thought unleashing that human STD back on an unsuspecting populace was one of the worst things he could do during his campaign. Ohhh, but that was before Sarah Palin. Infecting us with Paris as opposed to infecting us with Sarah? Sadly, there is no Vancomycin for television.

Dick Armey Is A Sexist Ass

This evening on Chris Matthews’ show Hard Ball, former House Majority Leader Dick Armey sunk to online ad hominem tactics by telling salon.com’s Editor in Chief Joan Walsh:

“Oh, Joan, give it a rest…”


At 5 min. 45 sec. into this video, and

“I’m so glad you could never be my wife, because I surely wouldn’t have to listen to that prattle coming out of your mouth every day. (laughs) You’re talking like a political hack, here…”

at 9min. 45sec.

Mr. Armey, I am truly relieved you are no longer a representative of my state or a member of the United States government. Your performance tonight was absolutely shameful. Your sexist remarks aside (and that’s a BIG aside), your attitude was hardly one of a professional politician willing to discuss policy, but more one of a threatened frat boy who could only respond with a “so’s your mother” joke because he simply couldn’t find an intelligent answer to your opponent’s charges.

It is this blogger’s considered opinion that Dick Armey should be uninvited from Hard Ball and other political round table discussions until such time as he is able to interact with others with the same amount of gravitas and respect due our current political situation as any other elected official. Mr. Armey was dismissive of relevant issues, waved away serious intelligent questions, and generally acted like a pompous self important ass whose word was above reproach and didn’t require actual facts.

Mr. Armey, you owe Joan Walsh an immediate, public apology. Your behavior was reprehensible, and you insulted 51% of the voting public by insinuating that any woman’s opinion that differs with yours is, by gender definition, inferior. You, sir, are a gas bag unworthy of the camera time you garnered.

Ted Haggard’s Closet Gets a Little Fuller

Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. What are we going to do with you?

Yes, it’s true. Ted Haggard, public homophobe and pastor of the Denver New Life Mega-Church, is once again the center of a gay sex scandal. I know. I’m as shocked as you. Who would’ve thought that just two short years after having meth fueled sex with a male hooker (which I understand isn’t nearly as pleasurable or fulfilling as the straight laced hetero man on top get it over with quick with the lights out kind), yet ANOTHER story about Ted Haggard having gay sex with a member of his own church would find its way to the surface? Other than me and, probably, you.

The article states:

Boyd said an “overwhelming pool of evidence” pointed to an “inappropriate, consensual sexual relationship” that “went on for a long period of time … it wasn’t a one-time act.” Boyd said the man was in his early 20s at the time. He said he was certain the man was of legal age when it began.”

Ohhh, good. Because of all the things wrong with the head of a mega church that influences public policy by snuggling up to the President of the United States and getting him to pass harmful legislation against gays and women being found to have gay sex with a young member of his church, the one I’m MOST worried about is whether the young man was underage or not. Mr. Boyd, are we on the same planet? I think something a bit more worrisome was the fact that Mr. Haggard paid the kid off.

In a letter e-mailed Friday to New Life Church members, Boyd said of the settlement and agreement not to talk: “This decision was made not as an attempt to conceal wrongdoings, but to protect him from those who would seek to exploit him.”

Okay. I think we’re stretching the suspension of disbelief a little far, even for Christians. If part of the agreement was explicitly that neither party discuss the affair? It was hush money.

In an AP interview this month before an appearance in front of TV critics in California, Haggard described his sexuality as complex and something that can’t be put into “stereotypical boxes.”

*sigh*…. Ted? Ted, you’re gay, and you’re closeted. That’s about as boxed in as you can get. Look. I’m going to try to help you. I know you’re scared and  I know you’re worried, but at this point…how much worse can it really get? You lost your church, you lost your reputation, you’re a national joke, and the woman you’re married to doesn’t trust you now and (thanks to this new thing) probably never will again. You’ve shamed your children. Was it worth it? Ted…stop making their and your life miserable. There IS a way. Two simple words, and then … believe it or not… life will get easier. Ready? Repeat after me. “I’m gay.” Now own it. It will be okay. I promise. Your wife will be able to move on with her life. You may even be able to mend fences with her. Your kids will need lots of attention and understanding, but you could really be a model dad, one who shows just what grace and acceptance really mean, not all that fire and brimstone crap you’ve been spewing for years. And YOU, Ted, will be happy. At least, happier than you are now. Believe it.

And later, we’ll work on that whole god fixation thing.

Curious George Says Goodbye

Did you watch President Bush’s speech last night? I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to, desperately, but I reminded myself that history was being made. I was watching the end of the worst presidency in the history of our country. If for no other reason than to tell my children and grand children that I was there and was witness…I watched.

As I watched, something amazing happened. My outrage which has been worn down with many abuses lo, these past eight years, re-ignited. The man actually thinks he did a good job! Against all evidence to the contrary and mounting proof of misapplied policy and economic and societal disaster… the man still thinks he was right. My jaw hung open. The darling man shook his head and said he couldn’t believe we were actually sitting still for 15 minutes of such unmitigated tripe.

“Tonight I am filled with gratitude — to Vice President Cheney and members of my administration;…”

(“For buying the election for me and covering up all my mistakes…” “You’re incredibly sexy when you’re cynical, y’know?”)

“to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life;..”

(“And never says a word in public that we don’t write for her…”)

“to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna;…”

(“For carrying on the proud family tradition of boozing their way through college and never actually using their brains…”)

“to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime.”

(“Like how to be an uninvolved father and a petty, superstitious obnoxious self involved jerk, just like mom.” “Hey. Barbara’s not superstitious.” “OK, my mistake.”)

“You may not agree with some tough decisions I have made, but I hope you can agree that I was willing to make tough decisions.”

“WHAT?!” I screamed at the television. “What in hell are you TALKING about?! Of COURSE you were willing to make them; that’s the job! That doesn’t change the fact that they were WRONG decisions!” At this point I had to hold the remote over my head and wave it about to keep the darling man from changing the channel. “He’s on all the other channels too,” I said, pushing him away with the other hand. He finally backed off and let me get back to gaping at the monkey in a $5,000 suit pretending to be sincere.

“This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house — September the 11th, 2001. That morning, terrorists took nearly 3,000 lives in the worst attack on America since Pearl Harbor.”

(“See!” the SO smirked, “Less than three minutes in and we’re already invoking 9/11. I should’ve run that farewell address bingo game, I woulda cleaned up!” “shut UP, I can’t hear…”)

“The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology, condemns women to subservience, and marks unbelievers for murder. The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God, and that liberty and justice light the path to peace…..”

(“Which are we again?” “The freedom lovers, of course.” “But, they believe God’s on their side, too, I mean, jus…” “SHUTUP! This is history, dammit!”)

“This is the belief that gave birth to our nation. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens. When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror.”

(“I thought Hamas was elected democratically.” “Well, obviously, those people were tricked into doing that. What they should’ve done is had the ballot say ‘people the US and Israel approve of, and this other candidate here who’ll get your ass blown up.’ “)

“President Thomas Jefferson once wrote, “I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.” As I leave the house he occupied two centuries ago, I share that optimism. America is a young country, full of vitality, constantly growing and renewing itself. And even in the toughest times, we lift our eyes to the broad horizon ahead.”

(“Honey? Yer gonna smack your head on the ceiling fan. Stop standing on the bed. And stop screaming, he can’t hear you.” “I DON’T CARE! How DARE he quote Thomas Jefferson?” “Well, if it’s any consolation, he did it completely out of context.”)

“OMG! Honey! Check out BOB DOLE! Even HE doesn’t buy the shit Bush is shovelling!”

Bob Dole is aghast

Bob Dole is aghast

“Yeah, he looks like he’s about to burst out laughing…but he can always blame it on dementia.” “God, you’re such a bitch sometimes…” “Thanks. Now hush, I wanna hear the rest…”

“It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your President. There have been good days and tough days. But every day I have been inspired by the greatness of our country, and uplifted by the goodness of our people. I have been blessed to represent this nation we love. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other – citizen of the United States of America. And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time: Good night. May God bless this house and our next President. And may God bless you and our wonderful country. Thank you.”

“Wow. He even got through it without stuttering.” “Yes, well, there had to be at least ONCE in his presidency that he managed to get all the way through a speech.” “NOW can we have sex?”

In reading* the address that moved me to spew half of my cherry Pepsi across the bedspread last night, I’m still amazed. He did everything but physically pat himself on the back. Not that I actually expected him to say anything, y’know, RELEVANT to anyone but himself…but it would have been good if he’d actually acknowledged the things this nation is facing as a direct result of his “leadership.”

At this point, I suppose all we can do is be grateful that it’s over and start rebuilding. Like New Orleans after Katrina, it will take our nation many, many years to rebound from Hurricane Curious George.

*You can find the transcript here.